Give Me a Shot to Remember
by EmotionalRockfish
Summary: The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead, especially when you're an alcoholic murderer who is still in love with your childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately Gaara can't even remember the man unless he's drunk. Even worse, he's decided to pay a visit, and when Gaara finally remembers Lee, he reacts with the violence that he's caused him to become accustomed to. [AU] [LeeGaa/GaaLee]


**~Give me a Shot to Remember~**

**By EmotionalRockfish**

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**-Story Details-**

**_Description:_**_ The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead, especially when you're an alcoholic murderer who is still in love with your childhood sweetheart. Unfortunately Gaara can't even remember the man unless he's drunk. Even worse, he's decided to pay a visit, and when Gaara finally remembers Lee, he reacts with the violence that he's caused him to become accustomed to.  
**Pairing:** LeeGaa/GaaLee (Rock Lee/Gaara OR Gaara/Rock Lee)  
**Disclaimer:** Naruto is property of Masashi Kishimoto. This is a fan made piece of literature and is in no way part of the original canonverse.**  
Rating**: M  
**Warnings:** Violence, sex, murder, insanity, alcohol, and some other dark themes along those lines. This fic gets pretty messed up, or at least that's what my friend said.  
**Published: **17/7/2013  
**Last Updated: **18/7/2013_

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_Author's comments:__ This AU was originally just a crack about leather wearing man sluts. Than a few days ago I decided to change it up, and here it is. _

_Just remember, this is an AU. Instead of Shukaku, Gaara has a voice in his head that is instead just the manifestation for his insanity. Lee used to be nice and happy, and did love Sakura, but just like Gaara, he has changed over time. He's not insane, but he certainly beginning to be. Basically they are slowly decaying, but at least in this fic they get to decay together._

_And no, it may take inspiration from the MCR song, "The sharpest Lives", but it's not really about that at all. Just interpreted in my way, I guess._

_So, for basic reference, italics mean flashbacks/memories, while normal text merely means the current story line. The memories aren't in order really, they come back to Gaara depending on what's happening in the story, so don't expect to read them and expect them to be chronological. I did it on purpose to mess with you, that and because I thought it held some effect. I don't do everything to spite you, you know._

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_It was raining. Heavy and merciless, tiny wet droplets fell from the depressingly grey sky, pouring down relentlessly and pounding on the concrete ground. Large Puddles formed where the moist droplets fell, flooding pitchmen roads and concrete walkways. Not a major flood, but just enough so that it would submerge one's feet almost completely and seep through shoes. Alone, having only recently escaped the freezing tendrils of falling water, stood a desolate red harried young man under the cover of the entrance to a dank little club. Gripping his slender sides for whatever warmth he could generate, the cold temperature began to numb his intoxicated body, making him shake violently. Not even the crimson leather jacket he was wearing had any effect, for underneath there was nothing but fishnet. Just then a mysterious figure approached, placing a rough hand on the shivering boy's shoulder.  
"Hello Sabaku-san…" A loud voice greeted kindly, and with a cheerful and oddly familiar smile to go with it. A smile the red head hadn't seen since many years ago._

Faded black lined eyes flutter open slowly, delicately like the wings of a butterfly, catching small glimpses of the surrounding beige coloured room. Before the magnificent seafoam orbs can scan their environment properly, a hazy pain begins to numb the previously unconscious man's mind and he instantly clenches them shut once more in unbearable hurt. It doesn't take too long before the wretched pain wave ceases for a moment and Gaara can finally bear to open his bloodshot eyes again, looking around to find that he is lying on an unfamiliar couch. While the occurrence itself is not so unfamiliar, he has slept on numerous couches in the past, it is the odd fact that never before this one time has he ever woken up still clothed, however damp him garments are with blood and stale rain.

Moving to stand, the all too common hangover makes another attack on his unsuspecting brain. It aches so badly, and the red head raises a hand to his throbbing head as he staggers back in pain and falls down onto the cosy couch again, groaning horribly at the throbbing sensation.

_Grinding bodies moved in blissful harmony on the dance floor, chest pressed together, lips crashing against one another and hands grabbing needily. The two men shared a passionate moment of less than private intimacy, their bodies rocking against each other roughly, retaining none of the original rhythm of the pounding music in their movements. Still, the drunken stupor made both believe that were dancing satisfactorily, leather clad bodies close and desperate. The other of the two guided their colliding bodies to a nearby wall, away from the dancing crowd and their scrutinizing gaze, and as Gaara's pale hand entangled in his long black hair, he whispered softly into the man's ear.  
"I hate you…"_

Looking around the empty room, the tired red head notices photos of the very same man sitting on a nearby wooden table. In one he is with an almost recognizable pink haired girl, smiling so very happily, and instead of the luscious long black locks Gaara can barely visualise from last night, his hair is cut in a short shiny bowl cut. In another, he appears to be with a man of striking resemblance to him, and as Gaara looks, he notices just how young the mysterious man in each photo gets, until there is a tiny photograph of a baby in the arms of what appears to be his parents. Pictures of family, friends and loves, all up for display of guests and visitors like himself. Standing up, the pale man analyses the photos closer, photos of** _his_** special people, and knocks them all to the floor in a sudden and unexpected fit of rage.

Of course he is not there in any of the photos. He was never important enough for that kind of attention.

_"Hate is such a harsh word, Gaara-kun!" Lee whispered in retort scoldingly, a pang of pain evident in his coal coloured eyes, but still laughing almost tauntingly at the other man trapped in his arms as if the thought of being hated by the red head was highly amusing, or at least he tried to convey as such over his sudden emotional hurt, "I know that is not true, not in the least!"  
"It is just the word that describes my feelings towards you best, or would you prefer I say that I despise you utterly, abhor you with all my heart…?" Gaara mumbled in irritation, his words still coherent regardless of his drunken state, "And who are you to say if I hate you such or not? You don't the half of what I've been through…"  
"Because you, unlike me, are incredibly drunk."And their lips met once more, the older man hoping that really was the cause for such vicious words and feelings._

Staring at the broken pile of glass, photographs and frames laying haphazardly on the floor, Gaara sighs. He doesn't know what came over him, what made him do such a thing, but he is still lucky that whoever inhabits this house had not heard the ruckus.

Annoyed at the fact that some kind of mysterious envy boils in his blood, even though he has no understanding of what he is jealous of, the red head sighs in infuriating irritation. What is it that he wants so profoundly? A family? Friends? A lover who isn't a one night stand for once? The conviction this man has to actually show to him who he holds dear? Oh, Gaara could kill all of them now if he wished, their faces burning into his mind and the maniac voice in his head screaming at him to cut them up and send them to this address piece by piece.

But he won't listen to that voice. Not when he's sober, at least.

The horrible memories flashing into his mind explain the aggravating headache, a hangover from the other night, pounding at the walls of his head from the inside. Not that it is that much of a mystery to Gaara at all. He always gets hangovers, never knowing when to stop drinking. After all, alcohol doesn't have much of an effect on him as it does most people, until afterwards of course. Most drunkards are uncouth and loose all eloquence in their drunken slurs, not that the red head isn't that way without alcohol, but he still retains the articulacy to construct proper sentences. Still, it doesn't work out all good and dandy. Instead of horrible drunken movements and being an absolute embarrassment, Gaara just gets dumped with a tampered memory and a much more bendable will, quite the entertainment for the monstrous voice in his head.

Deciding the messed up pile of photographs on the floor isn't too much of a victim of his rage to care enough about it, he red head decides to sit back down on the couch casually, glancing up at the clock to see that it is still too early to be up and about, and that he hasn't slept much at all. Not that he ever sleeps that long anyway.

The running black makeup on his face isn't just all eyeliner; some of it's from lack of sleep too. Of course eye rings don't run down your face in the rain, though he wishes they were that easy to get rid of.

_The young man laughs nervously, still staring into Lee's ebony orbs with a slight confusion mixed in with the threatening malice he seems to have been conveying all day.  
"I suppose I am, then…" He returns softly, the beginnings of a smile on his face, though not a happy smile in the least.  
"Gaara, how much have you had to drink…?"The black haired man asks, and it almost sounds like concern is lacing his pathetic shrivel of a voice.  
"Enough to still know how much I hate you…" Gaara hisses back in answer, eyes filled with volatile anger and a vicious spite hidden in his tone._

Gaara remembers only partially what had happened the night previous, and as more snippets keep flooding his vulnerable mind, he remembers more, however confusing it all is together. None of it makes much sense at the moment, and he doubts it ever will.

But he keeps remembering more, so perhaps he might just remember all of it. Though what he does remember confuses him completely.

He remembers that man, Lee, he remembers alcohol, he remembers the fowl stench of newly spilled blood and sex, and he remembers how much he had wanted to leave that place the moment he saw that him. How he loathes him.

_Red stilettos kicked in refusal against the ebony haired man as Gaara was dragged away from the dance floor to a seat at the bar, arms crossed in refusal. Another glass of some odd mix of drink is shoved his way by the bartender and he drinks it down in one gulp, laughing nervously once more at the man sitting beside him.  
"Can I go now…?" He asks timidly, an odd look of fear clear in his once empty blue orbs.  
"Tell me how much you've had, Gaara-kun," Lee repeats once more, attempting to snatch the glass away from the other man without hope, "You certainly should not be dancing in your state, I am just trying to help you."  
"When have you ever helped me…?" Gaara spits back, venom lacing his ferocious words, no longer putting on a mask of horror and wariness._

Noticing now that his tiny pale feet are completely bare, the red head scans the room for his expensive red high heels. They attract the best attention, and god, does Gaara always want attention, especially from the men at that club. He can't even remember why he wants the attention anymore, yet he continues the daily grind that is his life, filling up on alcohol, wearing hardly anything, and hoping he might just attract someone who can give him the touch his body longs for. He doesn't even like sex, in fact he absolutely hates it, but his body and the voice in his head say otherwise. Sex is the way to get someone vulnerable, it makes for an easy kill, and it also soothes the burning lust in his veins. He doesn't care who does it, who he attracts with his presence, he just never thought that he would have attracted that aggravating Lee, of all the people in the world.

_"Come to watch me suffer have you…?" Gaara questioned nastily, staring up at the man who has approached him at the bar, the same one who spoke to him earlier outside, and after motioning towards a lone glass of alcohol he continued, "Why not have a drink, hm?"  
"I am not as easily fooled as I appear, Sabaku…" Lee replied, sitting down next to the malicious red head, "I know what you have done to the others, unthinkable things, and besides, I do not drink, you know that, friend…"  
"Well, it is not every day I hate someone enough to spike their drink…" The other man smiled manically, chuckling to himself, "Then again, it's not every day I hate someone enough to stab them in the face, and I tend to do that quite often…"  
"What has happened to you, Gaara…? You never were like this before…" The black haired stranger asked, uncertainty in his voice, as well as disbelieve and worry, "Before you did not even know who I was!" From the context of his question he seemed far more than a stranger, and how Gaara remembered him so. How could he have ever forgotten someone as horrible as him?  
"Do you like what you've done to me, Lee-san? Does my insanity entertain you? Oh, I just bet it makes you smile to know that the cause of my hideous lifestyle change is you…"_

Having absolutely no luck just looking around the room for his shoes, the red head takes to actually moving for once, bending over to see if the high heels have made their way under the couch. Sure enough there they are, nestled underneath chaotically, and in grabbing them hastily something falls out of the open pocket of his jacket accidentally. He picks the odd items up with a sigh, a condom, a lighter, a few lock picks and a small vile of a tasteless poison that he always keeps on his person just in case. The lighter, well, he doesn't smoke, but he needs something to burn the bodies with, and the lock picks are good for getting into places he shouldn't be in, and for stuffing away corpses. The poison is the same he tried to use on that man, and the appearance of the condom however makes him sigh in relief. Either he did not have sex with that man, or he was carrying his own. Lee was never that promiscuous in their past though, or what he is beginning to remember of it, and Gaara doubts the possibility of such an honest man actually planning to have sex so easily. Lee used to think sex was a taboo thing, saved for after marriage and when he would be mature enough to handle it. But then again, he himself has changed, perhaps the other has too.

_"I need you…" Lee breathed, want in his voice, bare chest against Gaara's as they stand in a small cubicle of the bathroom.  
"I hate you." Gaara responded aggressively, his long nails digging relentlessly into the other's bare flesh and drawing lines of fresh blood along the beautifully tanned skin of the other man._

The sudden flash of memory makes the dazed red head groan in annoyance at his own foolish stupidity. He doesn't understand in the slightest what had happened that night at all, and now it is that one bit even more confusing. He abhors that man for what he has done to him, yet he made love to him last night, still screaming such obscenities in detest. It wasn't rape; he could have easily carved a knife into his vital organs if he wished, as he has done to so many others who touch him without consent. So why did he not do so to Lee? Had he wanted to have sex with that horrible man?

Gaara thinks he is going insane, much more insane than he already has gone, if that is possible. But alcohol always did bring out his more volatile side, and that was never good for anyone's sanity, or especially anyone's life.

_A knife is thrust into the man's side and a loud ear piercing yelp of pain is heard throughout the dark little bathroom. Blood flows generously from the ebony haired stranger's ribs, a hand clutching his bleeding injury. In Gaara's pallid little hand the knife still sits, still soaked in blood, still clenched anxiously, until he drops it to the floor in complete bewilderment, something changing in his eyes._

_"I… I am so sorry, Lee-san…"He murmured under his breath, his unblinking sea foam gaze on the withering man, "I didn't mean to… The voice in my head… it made me do it…"  
"If you did not mean to, then why the fuck did you stab me?! You are absolutely fucking insane!" Lee yelled at the red head angrily, so much anger tainting his voice that Gaara seems almost shaken, "Now I don't regret hating you, ridiculing you and rejecting you! You disserved it, you psycho!" The red head had never heard Lee yell such obscenities before, he cannot ever remember a time where the boy had sweared in all their time together, and that made things so much more worse, frightening the younger man.  
"Please don't say such things, you never used to swear at all when we were younger. Here, I'll even help you…" Gaara kneels down tentatively and unwinds a bandage from his arm, revealing the numerous knife scars from his own past self harm, before slowly winding the white cloth around his victim's bloody chest with expert care and caution, "Please don't hate me, I do not even know what I am doing right now…"_

Even after another flash of confusing and muddled memories, Gaara still doesn't understand anything new at all. Instead, it seems more questions arise. The hideous voice in his head laughs its ugly laugh, and he knows full well that it was that thing that coaxed him into trying to kill Lee like that. Gaara wouldn't have minded so much if it had been his own choice, but obviously not. He regretted it, that was clear. Why, though? Why not just go along with it and finish him off? He never leaves them to wriggle with whatever life they have left; the voice in his tells him that is unwise, tells him how to hide his tracks and how to evade the authorities. The only good thing that damned voice has ever done was keeping him from rotting in jail. No one even knows it is him killing.

What is even more confusing is the fact that Lee has obviously let him stay for the night. Who in their right minds lets an insane murderer in the same house as them? But maybe Lee is like him, not in the right mind in any sense of the word. He doubts it though, as odd as that man was acting, it wasn't anything close to his own insanity. Lee even seems relatively normal, though he knows that shouldn't comfort him at all. Lee never was normal either, that's why they got along, he supposes.

Still, he would have preferred if he just killed Lee and went on with his life. That would have made this whole situation that one bit better. A dead Lee is a good Lee, after all. That horrible man does not disserve his happy go lucky life, yet for some reason, Gaara has allowed him to live. Why, he does not know.

Maybe it's because somewhere deep inside, he still loves that man.

It is such a brainless and rash idea, but the red head doesn't need any logic at all to see it's the most realistic thing that could have happened. Somewhere along the line he has remembered what it was like loving Lee. His pathetic mind has found that bliss, that happiness, once more, and it is so foolish it can not see that he will only be hurt like the last time. Gaara is even surprised he can remember that part of his past at all. Yesterday, he could have seen Lee on the street and not have recognised him. But now, now that man's smiling happy face is embellished in his brain, as fresh as a daisy.

Gaara had thought he'd drowned his memories, but it seems he still remembers that man, and unbelievably a time he didn't want him dead.

In fact, now he can even remember a time where he would never have even thought of harming Lee in any way at all. He'd have been so ashamed of himself right now, after what he has just done to that man, but that old Gaara is gone. He only existed in a dark and horrible time, completely atrocious if it were not for the single light Lee once used to be in his desperate eyes. That was, until he betrayed Gaara.

Back in high school, he did used to love Lee. He would have admitted it without hesitance, proudly declaring his affection with a rare smile and a happy glint in his blue eyes, just like Lee used to declare his affection for others. He used to even try to imitate Lee, when what he did wasn't absolutely embarrassing like it happened to be most of the time. But that was just it, Lee would shower others in his affection, no matter how hard the red head tried to show him that he was the one who really needed that love, and that he loved him so wholly.

Now of course he loves no one, he can not afford to have feelings like that anymore, to care about someone, not with his lifestyle and the things he does, and even if did, he would surely deny such a thing immediately. Though somewhere inside of him, he longs to have someone like Lee, consciously or not.

Back then though, Lee used to be the only one keeping him slightly happy and relatively sane. Well, as sane as the red head was to begin with. Gaara had no parents, only his two siblings and they hated him, who else was he supposed to look up to? So when he first met the happy smiling boy, who unlike everyone else, wasn't afraid to actually talk to him, he instantly clung to him. That obsessive clinginess turned to love over the years, but the moment he told Lee how he truly felt, everything went downhill again.

Lee told everyone he was gay. He even helped tease his once friend, revealing his closest secrets to others who hated him like such.

It had seemed that Lee's good heartedness had just been an act, even then, when it had seemed so true, radiating waves of trust and kindness from his very form. It was all a well played lie. Inside, Lee was, and still is, just as ugly as Gaara, no matter how many years have gone by since then, except his black heart is deviously hidden with smiles and false trust. If only he was as good as Lee at hiding his intentions, maybe he'd have gotten somewhere with his life.

_"I did not even know you drank, you used to hate alcohol when we were younger…" Lee eyed the spiked drink suspiciously once more, as if expecting it do something horrible right there and then, though he couldn't even tell the difference between it and the glass of water he was currently drinking.  
"It is my poison now, like it was for all those idiotic kids back at school. I thought I could escape it, but I'm just like them. Except I can't ever run away from it, blame it on peer pressure and childish foolishness. As bad a vice as my killing and other habits." The red head sighed, putting his head in his hands in despair and self loathing.  
"What other habits…?" Lee asked, seeming almost afraid to ask, as if nothing could be worse than killing, and if something was, he really did not wish to know about it.  
"See that band up on stage? I've slept with every single one of them, and not to mention quite a few of the people in the crowd," Gaara responded with an almost smug look, as if proud of his accomplishment, before sighing once more in dismay, "And I don't even like sex, Lee. You know that…"_

Gaara laughs to himself at that one, chuckling at the humour of it all. He remembers the shocked look on Lee's face very clearly. It always surprises them when they find out just how many people he's been with, but he'd have though the other man would have reacted differently, knowing who he is. Then again, he knows how much he hated touch, people and bodily fluids. It must have been a surprise to know that the red head actually managed to get laid, even with his vicious hatred for sex.

_"We always knew you were a nut, I just did not think you would turn out like… this…" The other man retuned, inching away from Gaara slowly as if scared for his life.  
"I guess it shows, doesn't it, just how much I've been through because of you...?"_

It doesn't make sense. None of it. Lee knows how he is; why on earth would he have sex with him? He seemed so scared then too, why get close to a monster if you know just how harmful it really can be?

He must have had alternative motives than just sex. There had to be something influencing his pathetic human mind, just like how money taints intentions and common sense so easily. Could someone have paid him to have sex with the red head…?

_Lee begun to stand up, but before he could even attempt to leave, the fearsome red head blew a small kiss towards him and dragged him back down to his seat beside him.  
"Why don't we dance together, sweetheart? That could be fun…" He hissed, long nails digging into the ebony haired man's hand, "Or are you afraid… Lee-san?"_

Gaara sighs in pain, annoyance, and tiredness, looking under his nails to see the dried blood crusted beneath them. He is so possessive of what he cares for; it is obvious that the affection and longing must have begun then. Unless he really did have intentions to maim that man before he attempted to leave, but he knows that this is all fitting into place now.

His poor overused mind hurts from thinking so much, and of course from the alcohol that was once in his body, so instead he decides to wonder the small unfamiliar house for a while. He searches the adjacent rooms properly, looking for any sign of life, but there certainly no traces of Lee anywhere, other than the dried up drips of blood on the pastel green carpet. The man is most likely still asleep, and the red head presumes that the bedroom must be upstairs, far away from where he has been sleeping himself.

At least it seems Lee has some common sense after all.

_"For the last time, how much have you had to drink…?" Lee grabbed the roaming hands that were feeling up his trained body, bringing them to where he could see them, anger in his ebony orbs.  
"Why does it matter…?" Gaara sticked his tongue out in defiance, refusing to tell the black haired man just how drunk he was, before trying to break from the grip and let his hands touch muscle once more.  
"If it does not matter, then why on earth do you drink in the first place?" The older man asked, grinding his teeth in annoyance at the infuriating man in front of him.  
"I guess that I drink to forget. And sometimes I drink to remember. To remember when I was happy…"Gaara responded while looking at the ground and their feet ashamedly, suddenly completely serious for once, "But then again, I never was happy…"_

Walking up to the top of the stair way, following the blood trail, Gaara attempts to open the door to another room where he has been led and suspects Lee to be, only to find it's locked. How smart that man must think he is.

Kneeling down, he takes out a lock pick from his pocket. How prepared he is for things like this, being what he is, and he certainly expected that Lee would lock the sturdy wooden door when a murder was in the house. It is only natural. Not that he's going to kill him now; he won't until he remembers more, or until the other finally wakes up.

When he enters the small green coloured bedroom, it is exactly as he had pictured. Bright, colourful, and with a sleeping Lee lying so cosily in his comfy double bed, so easily killable and vulnerable that it makes Gaara lick his lips in delight. Besides Lee however, sits a wooden bedside table, with pretty little turtle statues and a picture laying face down suspiciously. Oddly curious, Gaara walks over to it silently, concealing his steps with slow paces, before picking up the framed photo to see that it is of him and Lee together, smiling happily.

It was taken back when they used to be close friends, or so Gaara thought. Even then, he was giving secrets away and gossiping with the other children behind his back, in a petty excuse to be popular.

Lee was never pretty, he still isn't now. Just like Gaara he is odd looking, different, and people fear differences. It scares them to see something they do not understand, so instead of trying to overcome that fear, they ridicule the odd one out. The red head knows Lee was subjected to the same torture he was when he was younger. He can see it in the ebony haired man's desperate eyes, the desire to please. He was just lucky he didn't turn out like Gaara, a killer, his insanity caused by years of ridicule and torment. He survived, if only by doing what he did.

Deciding that Lee of all people does not deserve to immortalise his happiness, when he cannot even remember it himself without alcohol, the red head removes the image from the frame. He stares at it long and hard, no longer recognizing the red headed teenager on the left as himself. That was his past, it is no longer him, and it never will be. No longer is he merely the odd looking boy with no parents, whose siblings hate him, and who talks to himself. Now he really is insane.

About to stuff the old photograph in one of his pockets, the red head notices that there is actually a messy message scrawled on the back in black ink.

**_If you still love me, I want you to know I love you. I can't make the pain go away, no matter how hard you believe so, but I can at least try…_**

Surprised by the words, Gaara drops the frame to the ground suddenly, smashing the glass and, as he notices only now, arousing Lee from his previously peaceful slumber.  
"Gaara…?" He mumbles groggily, noticing the familiar red blur before him as he opens his heavily lashed eyelids, "What are you doing in my room…?"

Gaara feels his already unstable mind snap in two, and he pulls out the lighter from his pocket with a peculiar and twisted smirk on his usually stoic face.  
"You say you love me, such a lie, Lee-san…" The red head murmurs softly, "You never once even cared about me. I _tried_ to forget you, to forget my old life, and now here you are again, bringing up old memories just when everything was going perfectly."  
"Gaara, calm down…" Lee whispers quietly, trying to sooth the mad beast before him, before melodramatic tears stream down his eyes, "I don't understand you, last night… last night you told me you loved me, and now…. now you are acting like you hate me! I'm sorry, but being alcoholic and murdering people isn't a perfect life, it's pathetic. You're better than this, Gaara! I believe in you, I know you are not what you claim to be!"

_"I surrender…" Gaara whispers in a sobbing whimper, tears spilling from his eyes, "I promise, I won't hurt you anymore. I promise, Lee-san…" The bleeding man narrows his eyes at the red head before him in suspicion of his motives.  
"Why should I believe you? A filthy murderer!" The raven growls from his position on the toilet floor, the gut retching pain in his side not stopping him from being loud and angry.  
"Look, you don't have to believe me! You live near here right? I'll take you home and take care of you, I promise…" The red head murmurs again, worry clearly evident in his eyes, "Please, you're surely going to die if you stay here, you don't have to believe me, but you'll die if you don't!" Before Lee can argue any further, Gaara plants his lips on the other man's softly. Not a passionate lust filled kiss, but a soft romantic one filled with emotion.  
"Just believe me Lee-san, I love you…"_

"I… I don't understand myself. I don't love you, why would I say such a thing…?" The red head puts a hand to his mouth in surprise, feeling his lips that he knows have touched Lee's only just hours ago.  
"You are neurotic, are you not? It is obvious, one minute you love me, the next you hate me!" Lee cries out, betrayal in his eyes, "I should have known that was not you at all… You are not capable of loving anyone! Not anymore at least!"  
"Shut up! Shut up or I'll do it, okay! I'll burn this building down, a blaze so bright the morning sun would be ashamed to rise!" Gaara screams, apprehension in his puzzled eyes, "Just shut up, okay!"

_"Why do you sleep with all these people…?" Lee asked, analysing the room and trying to find similarities between them all, but failing miserably.  
"I know they hurt me, yet I love them all. At least I try to…" Gaara responded sighing, "None of them are as good as you were... That's what I've been looking for all this time… It is like loving vampires that take, take, take, but never return anything. In this case, affection."_

"You'd have just left like they had… Like everyone else" Gaara mumbled to himself as he remembered, dumbfounded by his own words, "…If I hadn't taken you back myself…"_  
_"Gaara, what's wrong with you!?" Lee asks and Gaara growls violently, "Please, sit down, talk to me properly."  
"I told you to shut up!" The red head responds angrily, "You really want to know? Fine! When I drink, I remember what I have made myself forget. Most of the time it's fine. I never remember what I do when I sober up again anyway, but I know the general idea. Here it is worse though… Because I'm here, I keep seeing pictures of you, and I keep remembering our past…" Lee just stares at Gaara oddly, not sure what to say at all. He doesn't even understand how such a thing is possible.  
"I could not live my how life resenting you. I had to save myself somehow, and this helps, only slightly," Gaara admits, continuing even though Lee seems dumbfounded and at loss for words to articulate whatever hatred he must feel towards the red head, "Of course you wouldn't see a difference in me anyway, I'm still crazy regardless of whether I hate you or not. You should just leave me alone before I hurt you even more!"

"Gaara…" Lee looks at the other man, the same pained look in his eyes from the previous night, "I am such a fool, loving you. It will be my end, I know it will, but my heart is like that. It does not give up, and neither do I. I… I wanted to make amends, and to see if you would want me, and if you do, then I am surely not going to let this chance slip by!" A new hope burns in the injured man's black eyes, a small proud smile on his face.

"Why were you at that club, did someone tell you about me!?" Gaara finally asks, the question plaguing his mind, the metal lighter still clutched in his hand, "Even if they did, why would you come near me at all, you know how I am!"  
"Because Sakura-san, you remember her right…?" Lee begins, before he is cut off by the other man.  
"Of course I do, the stupid bitch that hogged all your attention will never leave my mind, not now that I've remembered this much…" The red head responds with a snarl, spite and vicious envy in his monotonous voice.  
"She broke up with me a few months ago, after we had only been together for a short while. I managed to make her fall for me, but even then we were not right for each other, apparently, and I could only see that when it was too late…" The ebony haired man continues his explanation, sighing in despair, "I was horny, I hadn't had sex even when we were still together, and someone told me about a man that would sleep with anyone. I wasn't going to, but then I saw it was you, and remembered. I hid my intentions of rekindling our love under the mask of lust, and yet it was you who eventually fell for me again first …"

_"Who are you? How do you know my name…?" Gaara asks the man, shaking his hand off his shoulder with a hiss.  
"Oh, I, uh…" Lee struggled to come up with something, confused by the whole situation, "Someone told me about you, is all…" He didn't understand why Gaara didn't remember him at all, so instead he tried to cover up his blunder before he embarrassed himself more.  
"Someone did, hm…? Who…?" The red head asked.  
"Someone who enjoyed your services very much…" The raven smiled once more awkwardly, hoping to get to a better start.  
"Services? Look, I'm not a whore, if that's what you want…" The other man retorted viciously and even the bright smile did not help, "I just have sex with people when I'm drunk, and at the moment, I'm not nearly drunk enough to want to touch a jerk like you…"_

"I thought you hated me…" Gaara responds," I don't understand, how can you love someone like me? I kill people, surely that's not normal…"  
"So did I, Gaara…" The raven sighs to himself, getting out of the bed, "I thought you would never forgive me for what I did. I even helped them tease you, even though I am, well… that way… myself. I don't even understand this. I shouldn't even be able to love someone as messed up as you, yet I do. You were the first person to care about me, to love me, and I let you go. I did this to you. Let me make things right."

_Lee drags the grumpy red head from the bar into the men's toilets, pressing him against the wall of a small dark cubicle and removing his shirt.  
"You said you wanted to go, so now we are gone…" Lee smiles to himself as Gaara begins to pull off his own tight clothes, revealing bloodied bandages and scars all over his porcelain coloured body, finally complying.  
"Oh god, what have you done to yourself…?" Lee whispered under his breath, analysing all the wounds on his old friend's body, "You used to be absolutely scarless…"  
"Some of them put up a fight…"Is all that Gaara responded with._

"How many…?" Lee asks sceptically, "And for how long…?"  
"Masses, so many corpses and dead bodies that I can no longer count…" The red head shrugs, as if it is of no concern, "Ever since I left the school, I guess…"  
"And you mean to say that no one has caught you yet…?" The ebony haired man asks with an anxious look in his eyes.  
"Not once. No one misses those I kill…" Gaara responds, "The voice in my head, the one that made me do that to you, it tells me how to hide them, and to get away with it…"

_Trying to stop the blood flowing through the bandage, Gaara removes another from his own person and wraps it over the last one, hoping it will hold until they get to Lee's house.  
"Put your shirt back on, if they notice, we won't be going anywhere…"_

"I stopped the blood right, how did I stop it…?" Gaara asks, trying to remember, but all he gets is pointless snippets.  
"Does it matter? You have not put that lighter down at all yet; I know what you intend to do…" Lee responds solemnly, and the worried red head looks back at his hand to find that sure enough it is still sitting there.  
"You said so yourself though, you can't make this pain in my heart go away no matter how hard you try to. Even if you try your hardest, Lee-san, you never will heel me completely. I am too broken, even for someone as determined as you to fix…" Gaara stares at the lighter, playing with its metallic parts almost teasingly, "The police will eventually find me and take me away, and they'll take you too for hiding me. I don't want that. I know what I can do though… I know how I can keep us together…"  
"Don't you dare, don't you even dare…" Lee starts, getting out of the bed, bearing through the horrid pain coursing through his body, to try and stop Gaara from what he is about to do to the both of them.

"I love you, Lee-san, I really do. But I can't be saved, only in death. I want you with me for the rest of eternity. You said you loved me too, please…?" Gaara pleads with the other man, "Or were you lying, Lee-san, were you…?"  
"Gaara, I love you, but you do not have to do this!" The raven tries to persuade Gaara, but even he knows that this is hopeless. Gaara is insane, and the insane do not reason very well, if at all.  
"Lee-san, we can spend eternity together in the afterlife, that's what everyone else believes. You can help me there too. You can teach me to apologize to everyone I've killed, you can still love me…" The red head murmurs softly, more to himself than to the other man, "After all, you were the one who did this to me. I won't be leaving alone, and now that you have no one left to hang onto, I have no reason to feel guilty. Death is my only escape, and now it will be yours too."  
"No, no, no! Gaara you are not thinking straight!" Lee yells at the man before him, "Please listen to me!"  
"What is the point, Lee-san? You'd have died from blood loss anyway and I'd have been left without my angel…" The red head sighs, gripping both of his hands and placing them in between themselves, "Now please, Lee-san, I am asking you, will you do this for me…?"

Lee can feel that what the other man says is true. He is faint and should have been taken to the hospital immediately, and even then he had hardly any chance of survival. He will die soon anyway; he can already feel more blood seep from his bandage. If he is to die, he would rather do so with Gaara, his love, but there is a part of him that is screaming not to give in and take the easy way out.

He is Rock Lee. He does not give in so easily. In fact, he never gives in.

"Gaara, you saved my life. Do not waste the effect of such a lovely act by killing me now. I will survive, I promise you," Lee states solemnly, his bushy brows furrowed and determination in his eyes, "I can do anything if I put my mind to it, and I **_will_** make you a better person. No one knows, you said so yourself. I can still help you. It is not too late, and I refuse to give up on you, my love. That is not my way." Gaara kisses his lips passionately, in what is to be their final kiss, ignoring the other man, and the lighter still clasped between their hands.  
"I love you, Lee-san, until the end…" Gaara murmurs softly, separating his lips from the others, "This is an act of love, Lee, please…"  
"As do I…" Lee sighs, strong hands refusing to unleash the other's, where the lighter is pressed between them, "But I cannot let you take both of us. Now that I have you, I will not let you go again."

Gaara sighs in despair, eyes drifting away from Lee's fierce ebony orbs and unclenching his pale hand to let the lighter fall to the ground in silent defeat.

"You are more insane than me…" The red head mumbles, looking back up with another wistful sigh.  
"I know, but I love you. There is something wrong with me to love a man who has tried to kill me and others, but I do not care…" Lee responds, a hand trailing Gaara's face, "There are other things I see in you, who you used to be, that ease my worries. You once loved me, and I know you still do. You always will, and that is enough for me. It is the only thing I can do to be with you now, after all I have done. An apology will not get rid of the pain in your heart, but this is my apology. Forgive me."  
"Do you promise me that you will look after me…?" The red head asks slowly, disbelieve in his eyes, "I want to be your friend again…"  
"Yes, I do, Gaara. And we can be much more than just friends; that I am sure of." The raven retorts with a weak smile on his features, "But for now, I think that it is you who should be taking care of me. If I do not get up and stay in this bed under your care, I should be up and about in a few days!" The ebony haired boy seems to have changed his attitude so suddenly, that the red head is a little surprised. He wants to ask if he is okay, but he knows what the answer will be.

Gaara stares at the optimistic boy with a frown, something telling him that even with that attitude; his love will still pass away.

Gaara never really was an optimist though. He always sees the bad side of things. Even so, he can no help but feel concerned for the other boy whom he loves so dearly.  
"Lee-san, I think you should go to the hospital…" Gaara suggests with distress in his sea foam orbs, "You have lost too much blood…"  
"No, no, I am fine! They will just question us, and that wouldn't be good, now, would it!" Lee exclaims with a reassuring smile, moving back into his bed slowly after kissing Gaara on the cheek, "What you can do for me however, is go get me some more medical supplies, these bandages need changing, and perhaps you should change clothes too…? You are soaked through and I do not want you getting a cold. Actually, just move all your stuff here, that would be nice!"

Gaara just stares at the blubbering man, shaking his head in annoyance.  
"Are you asking me to move in…?" The red head asks shyly, as if such a thing surely could not have come from Lee's mouth.  
"Yep, why not!? Youthful friends, uh, lovers, always live together, it completely normal!" The raven answers cheerfully, and the red head wants to laugh at his new boyfriend, "Now, hurry up and get your things!"

Gaara stares at Lee in thought, as if mulling this over. It is a miracle that Lee has reacted such a way, and he really does agree with him, he's completely insane to do such a thing. He knows Lee only loves him because he saved his life, and somewhere inside of him, the man can see the love Gaara still has for him, just through that one single action. Even so, he is still a fool, and the red head would hate himself if he killed Lee accidentally. The voice in his head is screaming at him to poison him, mangle him, and ravage his body with knifes and other sharp things, but Gaara does not want to listen. He just hopes he does not want to listen for the rest of his life.

Finally making up his mind, Gaara crosses his arms with a stern grimace.  
"I don't want to leave you," And with that he sits at the other man's side, refusing to budge.

Lee gives him an odd look, staring at him with unamusement that makes no sense to the red head at all. He is about to ask if everything is okay and if he wants him to leave, but Lee finally ends up sighing in annoyance, ready to say something.  
"Gaara. I really need some bandages," The raven states bluntly, and Gaara still refuses to move, "Please. I am not asking you to leave, but I am starting to bleed through these ones, and well… that surely is not good…"

Gaara raises a bare eyebrow in suspicion, staring at Lee before finally sighing and standing up.  
"I made you move too much, I shall get your bandages…" He mumbles, walking towards the once locked wooden door, but before he leaves the room he looks back at Lee with a longing look in his black rimmed eyes, "I am not leaving this house. Uh, don't die on me… or something… while I go downstairs okay…?"  
"I promise you with my life Gaara!" Lee yells as the red head leaves the room, and Gaara shakes his head at the irony of the statement.

Lee is actually quite happy with the way things have gone. Not that he enjoys being stabbed in the side by his insane boyfriend at all, oh no, that was actually quite horrible, but he is smiling none the less. He is not proud, just glad that he was able to help the other man in some way. He even managed to talk his boyfriend out of killing himself, both of them really, something he knows he is not going to have to do only once.

He only wishes he could make Gaara forget everything horrible that he has ever done. All the killing and death, all the pain, but he knows that will never be possible. The boy can hardly express his concern without it sounding forced and joking, as if not real. Lee knows that the red had does not want him to die, but he cannot help but sigh as he hears the footsteps downstairs get ever further away, looking for something to wrap around the raven's injuries.

Getting back up to the room, Gaara finds that Lee is smiling happily, yet in his eyes, there is a confused pain and longing.  
"I found some lying around in a first aid kit…" The red head informs as he begins to take a seat besides Lee.  
"Ah, of course…" Lee says nervously, "I never actually thought I would have to use it. I forgot about it completely, I'm sorry. It would have made things easier before…"  
"Shirt off…" Gaara commands his boyfriend, ready to bandage him back up.  
Lee removes his bloodied shirt with an evil smirk complacent on his face, "Actually, do you think it's safe to have sex with an injury like mine?"  
"Don't you even think about it, you need to heal…" The red head shakes his head at his devious boyfriend, before he unwinds the old blood stained bandage around his chest, "You move too much, and this will never heal. Trust me when I say I'm a violent lover, and you should expect no different. I'm not going to instantly turn soft because I love you…"  
"Oh I should know, you stabbed me…" Lee laughs jokingly, and Gaara rolls his eyes at the other man, "You know, when everyone else says they have violent sex, they mean biting and, uh, other things, but when it comes to you, that means getting a knife through your ribs…"

The ebony haired man hears a miserable sigh from besides him, looking over with a worried look.  
"Something wrong…?" Lee asks, tilting his head at the busy red head.  
"I just…" Gaara trails off in a mumble, peering up at Lee with sad sea foam orbs, "I would appreciate it if you did not mention that again. It makes me feel horrible…"

Lee nods in understanding, and Gaara finishes wrapping fresh bandages over the wound, kissing it lightly as a sign of affection.  
"Good night, Lee-san…" He whispers softly, about to wonder back down to the couch and sleep once more, before he is pulled into the cosy double bed by a strong arm.  
"Do not think that I am letting you sleep down there. You sleep with me now, alright…?"  
"Do you understand just how idiotic that sounds to me?" Gaara asks, a dumbfounded look on his face, "I could kill you so easily if I wanted, yet you want me here…"  
"I trust you, Gaara…" Lee responds pulling the smaller boy close to his body, "Trust means that I let you sleep in my bed, and in return, you do not kill me, easy enough!"  
"Trust doesn't mean I **_won't_** kill you though…" Gaara argues, flinching at the unfamiliarity of the embrace, "It changes nothing, really…"  
"Hm, I know…" The raven murmurs through Gaara's neck, smelling the scent of his own blood on the boy, resting his head right in the crook of the slender collar, "But I like to think it does…"  
"That doesn't make sense…" Gaara mumbles to himself, realizing that Lee has fallen asleep easily even after all that has happened, and gripping his hands tightly, "Goodnight, Lee-san…"

And for once in his life, Gaara actually smiles as he drifts off into a cosy and warm slumber, the voice in his head silenced by the presence of his lover as he occupies his final thoughts for that night with new found dreams for the future, and the life he looks forward to having with Lee.

* * *

_Author's reflection: __I don't often write shitty end notes to fan fictions, but neither do I take four endings before I submit. This fic was a tricky little bastard. Originally the two went to the hospital, but in hindsight that obviously wouldn't work, even if Lee did plan to tell the nurses, who had the preface of knowing he is clumsy, that he just 'fell on a knife'. The police and authorities are mainly ignored in this fic, I honestly don't think they care, but that would have been going too far. In the next one, Gaara burnt down the house to immortalize their love together forever. I didn't want a death fic, I really didn't, but happy endings are so hard to write. In the third, I kept that idea, but made Lee actually fight back, because it makes no sense for him to sit back and actually take it. Forth, well, the third seemed too weak, so I edited it a lot. Not as much as the others, but I tried to convey that Lee actually has a Bonnie and Clyde syndrome thing going on, where he is in love with someone dangerous because that excites him, but also because he hopes he can change Gaara. If you don't like that ending, well, the lighter is still on the floor, imagine what you want._

**_And now that you've read this, I expect reviews._**


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